1

you'd think it would be easy for him to tell

from the passing images

from their direction of entry into the field of view

and from the gradient of colour

to their speed of travel

and eventual disappearance

but no


it's not even about gravity

that force that's outside mental processing

that is primordial

and that his nuclei would surely recognise


his lyrics echoed:

"he can stand on his two feet and not fall

stand like a megalomaniacal statue to himself

no sway no bend

until the lichen of millenia cover those eternal eyes

until the finger that points across the sea

cracks and is consumed by the lichen"


what betrays his status is that feeling

instinctual - that spasm of the head

that quick - look behind


it's in that reflex

that innate action to have

"just a quick look - no one will notice - will care

i'm just checking to see"


he would ask:

"is there now somewhere that is behind me

to see where i've come from

and if it has any bearing on where i'm going ?


didn't some ancient demi-god do this ?


how easy is it to not hear?

to at best be dimly aware of a muted sound

arriving at you late

with all the top end energy dissipated

rendering it dull and indecipherable

- but there was the message"


in that instant of the twitch - the game's up


these perceptions are the texture

of his imagined real

they are the ones he noticed

the last time he jerked his head backwards.

and while he is jerking it

there's time for him to ask:

"from where - to where - for how long,

will it hurt when I get there - will i survive" ?


then there is the reassuring finality of the impact

the opportunity to asses the damage and tick the checklist.

if you aware of it, some part of you has survived

easy - at least the process is understood


from there he attempts recovery -

self-help, drug-help, crying-help, writing-help, friend-help,

legal-help, ancestral-help - silence-help


in the song's coda he wrote:

"but what if i keep falling

and don't reach the bottom - the end?

this obviously leaves me more time

to invent new questions

to resolve to ever finer increments

a measure of how I'm falling,

and how far i've got to go".



2

Countless ages, countless searches, countless lives,

all expending immense energy.


They scan the horizons, upturn rocks,

plunge their hands into murky pools,

and they walk, and then walk some more.

They seek signs, signals,

measuring and comparing, wandering,

driven by desires as countless

as the methods of satisfying them.


They scour this immensity, with no body for propulsion,

without the solace of a body, without it's limits either.


Thoughts passenger to fantasy, to memory,

on arcs that have the quality of vapour - light and fleeting,

and then the quality of lead - heavy and noxious;

with different concepts of edge and hue.


Here I am, internal masquerading as external.




3

I was never anywhere else but with you.

I hear your doubts resounding

and hear your fears re-doubling.


In your loss, I am present

In your silence, I can speak

In your walking, I am earth

In your emptiness, I generate.



4

i can go now

i will exist in his synapses

i'll await a message that will revive me


as the event recedes

i will become like a distant ship

less and less defined from the horizon i sail on


a residue of these feelings will ebb and flow

it will cross thresholds of recall

i will become a constructed version


he has made another memory of these events

a backup a safety copy

that will compete with and surely replace me

and what i originally referred to


it will most likely be the more reliable version

it will be this time

it will store better what I am likely to loose


for even though a moment

in the eternity of a long saturday afternoon

will etch with clarity the marvellous that surrounds him

temporary suns will evaporate in the oceanic expansion

and i too will succumb

i will be a particle just before the pause

i am an aspiration a bet

that there will be something to recall when needed


i'm glad really, as what is now made cannot be unmade

so I can can be made different, rediscovered

made anew